Why do you keep falling in love with the same toxic person, just wearing a different face?
I sat down with Ross Rosenberg, MEd (@rossrosenberg), author of the bestselling book Human Magnet Syndrome, and a psychotherapist whose work has reached over 34 million YouTube views and sold 200K books in 12 languages.
Ross has spent decades untangling the real roots of codependency and reframed it as what he calls Self-Love Deficit Disorder.
We get into the invisible pull between people who give everything away and people who take it, and why that chemistry so often feels like fate when it is really just familiar pain.
He breaks down the pyramid that starts with attachment trauma, builds into core shame and pathological loneliness, and ends in compulsive attraction to narcissistic personality disorder. His method for reaching memories the conscious mind cannot access explains why talk therapy alone rarely breaks these cycles.
We also cover emotional incest and what it takes to divorce a narcissist.
Visit https://selfloverecovery.com and use code LUKE to save 35% off all books, courses, and seminars. Email help@selfloverecovery.com and mention LUKE for 25% off your first therapy session.
You’ll learn:
[0:00] Introduction
[5:30] Codependency’s history, from Al-Anon jargon and the tango dance concept to self-love deficit disorder
[16:56] The self-love deficit pyramid, from attachment trauma to pathological loneliness
[25:27] Familiar love feels like a drug, healthy love feels like home
[37:24] The difference between a pathological narcissist and someone who’s simply selfish
[44:16] The narcissist’s hated child grows up broken and can’t see the problem
[51:37] Comparing overt abuse to neglect and abandonment in shaping a child
[1:00:31] Talk therapy fails while psychedelics open the door to buried trauma
[1:07:55] Inside the HITCH technique and the moment a client reintegrates their inner child
[1:16:04] Narcissistic bonds take a toll, from childhood emotional incest to needing a strategist in divorce
Resources Mentioned:
Melody Beattie | https://www.melodybeattie.com
Read: A Horse Named Lonesome: Tales and Teachings to Reclaim Connection, Transcend Separation, and Discover the Divine Within by Luke Storey | https://www.lukestorey.com/lonesome
Dorothy Tennov | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorothy_Tennov
Read: Alcoholics Anonymous by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services | https://amzn.to/4bZhs3k
Attachment Theory | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory
John Bowlby | https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Bowlby
Bessel van der Kolk | https://www.besselvanderkolk.com
Read: The Doors of Perception: And Heaven and Hell by Aldous Huxley | https://amzn.to/4v1fPI9
Read: Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Kenneth M. Adams |
https://amzn.to/4auo34h
Full show notes at https://lukestorey.com/selflove
Find more from Ross:
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed | https://www.instagram.com/rossrosenberg_slri | https://www.facebook.com/TheCodependencyCure | https://x.com/RossRosenberg1 | https://www.tiktok.com/@rossrosenberg1 | https://www.youtube.com/rossrosenberg
Self Love Recovery | https://www.selfloverecovery.com | https://www.facebook.com/SelfLoveRecoveryInstitute
Read: The Codependency Revolution: Fixing What Was Always Broken by Ross Rosenberg here: https://amzn.to/4f3qhKx
Find more from Luke:
Luke Storey | https://www.instagram.com/lukestorey/ | https://www.facebook.com/lukecstorey/ | https://x.com/MrLukeStorey | https://www.youtube.com/lukestorey | https://www.linkedin.com/in/mrlukestorey
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