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The questions you ask on autopilot might be the reason you feel lonely in a room full of people.
Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral researcher who has studied master conversationalists for two decades, sat down with Lewis to talk about why so much of our talking leaves us empty. One in six people worldwide are affected by loneliness, and she believes the way we talk to AI is quietly changing the way we talk to each other.
In her book Conversation, she lays out three levels of connection, from basic facts all the way up to the private story you tell yourself about yourself. She explains why “Been busy?” is the single worst question in small talk, and why asking for stories beats asking for facts every time.
The most honest moment comes when Lewis asks what she still struggles with. Her answer is charging for her own work, a belief she traces back to her early twenties, and you get to hear a level three conversation happen live.
You will walk into your next dinner or team call ready to say “tell me more” and actually mean it. Pick one person you love and ask them a better question tonight. You might be surprised how deep your relationships can go.
Pre-Order: Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone & Make Every Interaction Count https://amzn.to/4qSDSJ3
Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication https://amzn.to/4x7T7iL
Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People https://amzn.to/4xp0ClH
Vanessa on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/vvanedwards/?hl=en
Vanessa on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCj9QBB4bNTv29f4oFIreNmw
Vanessa’s Website http://scienceofpeople.com/
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For more info about this episode, go to https://lewishowes.com/1987
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00:00 – Intro
01:15 – AI & Conversational Muscles
06:00 – Brain Chemistry of Conversation
09:42 – Breaking Social Autopilot
13:43 – Level 1: Social Hierarchy
14:52 – The 2 Worst Questions
22:20 – Level 2: Personal Goals
24:05 – Dream Builders vs. Killers
28:08 – Howard Stern’s Secret
36:00 – Level 3: Self-Narrative
54:29 – Vulnerability & Boundaries
1:02:06 – The Science of Charisma
1:09:39 – Signaling Confidence
1:15:17 – Master Your Social Skills
1:19:24 – 3 Truths on Connection
#greatness #inspiration #motivation
